Happy Birthday to me
by Grissom1
Summary: I wrote this as a birthday gift to myself. It's my idea of why Jorja left the way she did. This is purely fiction with no validity behind it...


**Disclaimer:**

This is **pure **fiction. For pleasure only. While I do not own CSI, I would love for them to take some of our suggestions from fanfiction.

This is Jorja's thoughts as it relates to Sara and Grissom. Billy's too. I hope you enjoy!

It's my birthday gift to myself. LOL

I sit here across the set from him and he glances my way every now and then.

I feel his smile and it warms me.

He knows I haven't been happy for some time.

I don't know how we got to this point.

He and I.

When we first began working together, we were friends.

We talked.

We laughed.

We smiled.

I anticipated the way he said his lines as he did the same for me.

We had chemistry.

I knew it as love.

Our scenes would be lengthy and filled with technical terms but when the words flowed from our mouths our expressions spoke what was not said.

Sometimes, we would be saying our lines and I swear I could be say something about DNA analysis only to have it interpreted as I want you…

I think that's when GSR was born.

At least I've given birth to something…

The first I time I heard the term GSR, was in a script and it was referring to gun shot residue.

Now when I run across GSR I am reminded there are others out there closely watching

our every move…interpreting our every move and they know what I mean when I say his

name….

The media called it chemistry.

The fans used words like love, desire, yearning…

The media was often wrong but the fans were always right.

The media called it a hit.

The fans called it a hidden love story.

I just called it my life.

I wanted him. I desired him. I needed him.

Grissom….

Sara…

It's funny how one can get lost in something without realizing it.

Billy did.

The writers did.

The writers wanted to spread it out….make it last.

It would. Wouldn't it?

Soon the restrictions came.

On set as well as off.

There were warnings about no touching, no kissing, no holding.

I remember the countless lectures about no GSR until the writers were ready to write it into the script.

Billy and I were made to be strangers off the set.

So we did…

I lost myself.

I'm not sure when.

I just know how.

I'm told I'm a wonderful actress as I say my line to perfection giving him those subtle looks that speak volumes.

It's those looks that have become GSR canon.

I used to leave them in my trailer before going home but somewhere along the way I began to carry them home with me.

Sara was with me all the time.

I thought of her trials and tribulations and I rooted for her.

I wanted her to have a happily ever after….so I told myself.

I felt like a traitor.

I was.

I caught myself sabotaging her happiness by begging Carolyn not to write in any love scenes.

She sat quietly as I begged her.

I couldn't bear the thought of being snuggled up close to him, holding him, kissing him…

I didn't need to actually do those things for the world to see because I did it every time I closed my eyes.

As the years went by and there was no kissing, no embrace, no…anything between Sara and Grissom, the emptiness made me sad.

Very sad.

Things had become so different. I missed how we used to sit and talk.

There was no Sara or Grissom.

No anything.

He must have felt my sadness.

Billy.

He started coming by my trailer early in the morning to sit and chat with me.

Sometimes, I would hear him quoting Shakespeare outside my window as I dressed and I wanted to laugh but I hadn't laughed in a long time.

I'm not sure when it began.

If I were honest with myself I would say it was the day he arrived on the set and announced his new wife was pregnant.

I call her new wife but she really isn't.

He's been married for over three years now but I'm not sure when I noticed.

I think I noticed with the birth announcement.

It hit me a like a ton of bricks.

He has a life after work… he really does.

I just thought we all dragged ourselves home to fall asleep only to return here within a few hours and begin taping again.

I remembered the good old days….

We held hands and talked and let each other know how we felt and at the end of the day, we went our separate ways.

I just forgot to get a life.

Now he was telling me to do that.

"Do you have any diversions?" asked Billy.

"I read scripts. I listened to other people's scenes. I read scripts." I replied.

"You need a diversion," he said. "Like me, I have Shakespeare. When this starts to get to me, I do a Shakespeare play and then I feel better."

I grin, "Tragedy makes you feel better?"

"My life is better than anything Shakespeare wrote about. You need to go, Sara"

We both smile at the slip. My smile fades faster than his.

"I don't want to disappoint them. They think it's just a contract dispute; they don't know that it's me. I'm not sure I can stay on…like this."

He's holding my hand and he kisses my palm.

My hand tingles.

Chemistry or love?

I choose love.

"Do what makes you happy."

"Is that Grissom I'm talking to or Billy?" I say.

"Both of us."

His face is now serious as he looks down at the ground.

"I'm going to miss you. I think I've missed you for a long time."

"Grissom?"

"Both of us…can you imagine how this conversation would play out if we were drinking?" he laughs.

"I know this sounds crazy but one of us deserves to be happy, you know Sara and me.

If I stay, I'm not sure I can continue to pull off the act.

I think everyone will find out about my feelings for you…both of you.

If I leave, Sara will be devastated.

She waited for Grissom all these years and she would never ever hurt him.

I feel like I've loved him…you forever."

I swipe at my tears.

I've been crying on cue for years and I chuckle at how real those tears continue to be.

"Grissom would tell Sara, to go, get away for awhile. He'll wait. He will wait just like she waited for him."

"What if the writers decide to…"

"They won't. I put a stipulation in my contract. I have a bit of a confession to make to

you. When I first began working with you, I told Carolyn, no I begged Carolyn to not

write in any love scenes with us…I mean I told her I wasn't that good at hiding my true

feelings and the whole world would know how I really feel about you…I kept the clause

in my contract until this past year when I told her I wouldn't hold her to it."

"Wait, you mean you've always felt the same way…"

"I was a bachelor for years. I dated one person. I loved her but like Grissom I played the

cat and mouse game until I almost lost her. I finally got up the nerve to marry her after

seeing what Grissom put Sara through. I never dreamed you had the same feelings until

Carolyn told me about your request."

The revelation makes me sad.

I think of what could have been.

I then think of Sara and Grissom.

"Sara and Grissom could have a happy ending," I whisper.

My head is hurting now.

"Are you happy…with her?"

"I'm happy, Jorja. I want you to be. Forget about the writers, the fans, the scripts, the

media, the critics. Forget about all of it and go. Take a break and find what makes you

happy. We'll be waiting for you when you get back."

"What makes you think I'll be back?"

"Cause you love Grissom and you would never let Sara stay away from him for long."

He pulls my palm up once more and kisses it.

"Have you seen the script for tomorrow?"

"Some of it."

"Don't worry, we find you in time."

I smile. I don't like the idea of being in a water tank but I've always done what I was told.

"Billy?"

"Do you know what they have in store for Sara and Grissom?"

"I know Grissom gets to propose."

"Sara would say yes."

"I'll tell Carolyn that."

"Billy?"

"Yeah?"

"How can I leave knowing that Sara is about to get everything she's ever wanted including the fans?"

"Because you need this."

"You deserve this."

"You can't wait until the show ends. It may go on for a couple more years."

"Besides, the writer strike is going to happen in just a matter of weeks and then

production is going to be shut down anyway so go Jorja. Go make yourself happy. I

want to see you smile again."

"You think they'll let us kiss?"

H e leans over and whispers, "I've read the script."

GSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSRGSR

I remember reading the script and thinking 'I'm really going to kiss him.' I think about

the fans that have waited patiently for it and now it's really going to happen only what

they don't know is I won't be back in the next episode.

On the day of the shoot, I am so nervous. I have used mouth rinse so many times my

mouth is numb. My palms are sweaty and I feel like I'm going to be kissed for the first

time in my life only millions will be watching.

The kiss will be shown on You Tube to be played over and over.

And yet, Sara has already kissed Grissom.

She's even made love to him over and over.

She's even been pregnant and married to him.

It's all in fanfiction.

Sara and Grissom's love story goes on and on in fanfiction.

It helps me do what I have to do.

She's safe there. The best of me is safely tucked away until I return.

As I kiss him leaving him breathless I quickly hurry out.

The director calls cut and that's a wrap but I'm still hurrying away.

I have to get away and run to my trailer where I hide my face while I weep.

I've finally done it.

I've said my goodbye.

No, Billy says it's not goodbye.

He won't accept goodbye, just so long for now.

And he's right.

I'll be back.

Soon.

**Note from author:**

This has been going around and around in my head for so long that I finally just stopped and typed it. I miss Jorja. I hope that wherever she is, she's happy. She deserves to be.

I will wait patiently just like Grissom waits for Sara. Hurry back soon!

Take care! Penny


End file.
